Yes, I have decided to run for President.
You may think it’s too late now that the primaries are nearly over. Not to worry. Certainly Governor George W. Bush will try to keep me off the ballot, but he’s not very good at that. And besides, I’m not nearly as crazy as Ross Perot and he was on the ballot in every state!
My platform has two parts.
First are the things I will NOT do.
I will never raise your taxes. Or lower them either. Presidents can’t do that. Only Congress can pass a tax bill or an appropriations bill. Any candidate who says differently hasn’t read the Constitution. Nor will I insult your intelligence by telling you that I would eliminate the deficit and spend more on defense and education or by telling you we have a “surplus” when we owe $2,500,000,000,000.
I will not go to war in a country unless I’ve heard of it before.
I will not be you spiritual leader. I will not tell you what church I go to, if any. For three reasons: 1. It’s against the law—or at least the spirit of the law. Congress won’t let an employer ask an employee about religion and I want to be your employee. 2. It’s bad manners to flaunt your religion. 3. It’s none of your business. I will tell you now some things I won’t be able to tell you when the campaign begins. I am a minority candidate. I am a 68-year-old white male. If you vote for anybody younger, I will sue you for age discrimination.)
I will not be your nanny. I will not tell you to stop smoking by putting a label on the pack you have already bought. I won’t tell you to fasten your seat belt. If you are smart enough to vote for me, you can figure those things out. If not, well—I guess we need to improve the gene pool some more. I will not put pills in bottles nobody can open. I will stop putting airbags that may kill you in your car. I will not let the government search you every time you get on an airplane.
I will not reform anything. When somebody tells you they want to reform something, put your hand firmly on your wallet or purse. They just want to shift power and money from somebody else to themselves.
I will not tell states what flag to fly over their capitols. If the folks in South Carolina are so boorish as to fly a Confederate flag to deliberately infuriate African-Americans, that’s none of the President’s (or Congress’s) concern.
Speaking of the Civil War, I will not tell Russians how to handle their civil war in Chechnya, even though we handled our own civil war so well. I will not even tell other countries whom to elect as their president. That’s their business. For that matter, I won’t even tell you whom to vote for any other office. If you’re smart enough to vote for me, you’re smart enough to make up your own mind.
I will not take contributions from greedy special interests. Greedy special interests contribute to my opponents. My campaign contributors–even if they are Oriental monks—clearly have the public interest at heart. Contributions to my campaign will be tax deductible. Send checks to the Houston Music Hall Foundation, 811 Rusk, #1730, Houston, TX 77002.
I will not let people call you at dinner to sell you something over the phone nor let companies play music when they put you on hold. Press #8 and they will be fined $5,000.
But enough of negative things. Here’s what I WILL do.
I will declare victory in the war on drugs. We have put more of our citizens in prison than such democracies as Russia and South Africa, so we must have won. After all, Prohibition worked. Right?
I will make anybody who sues you unsuccessfully pay you whatever amount he was trying to extort from you. That will clear up the backlog in the courts so I won’t have to appoint any more judges. Since I won’t appoint any more judges, the U.S. Senate won’t be able to embarrass itself further by listening to idiots like Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms.
Most important of all, I WILL do a superb job or running the executive branch of the federal government. After all, that’s what the U.S. Constitution says the President is supposed to do.
(This essay is at www.swt.edu/hobby. Hobby can be reached at [email protected] or PO326, Houston, TX 77006-0326.)
